Melancholic

unDiscovered Disappearance

For the past 20 years, I could have disappeared or fell victim to a crime and it would go unreported and unnoticed.

One time, I told my family this and we laughed. However, there is such validity in this. I could disappear and no one would file a missing persons’ report.

My phone has been off much of the week and my computer is making its way across the country. If they happen to discover the hacker, I wonder if they will let me know. The gray line of legality, obviously, is blurred.

Two companies that protect your privacy are Google and Apple.

I have taken steps to cut being connected all the time. I’ve done everything I could do and needed to do. I have yielded no results. I am not giving up or giving in. I am just giving myself a break. I have put in all the work to see no real results.

Life would be easier to see only daisies instead of dandelions. Dreams instead of disappointment. Decisions instead of dread.

Trying Three

Simultaneously working on three books of poetry. Thousands of poems. Trying to categorize them the best I can. I love the titles. It will take me longer to design all the covers and to be certain I do not double any up.

I am digitally deleting and using a highlighter for the written words. Operation Melissa is in full swing.

Banging out another Book

Why not?

These books of poetry take me no time.

Editing is going on for Melancholic to Ruined.

I am now writing Melancholic to Hyperbolic.

I am producing as much published content as I possibly can. The amazing thing is I am deleting my pseudonyms digital traces. I also have been getting rid of so many pictures sending them into oblivion.

Livid from Lies

My favorite singer has a tattoo that says, “trust no one” on her hand. Why is INTEGRITY the hardest thing to come by?

I now know why the word gut-wrenching exists.

I am in NO MOOD and am not taking any interactions.

Questions:

  1. Is New York City a city in the United States?

  2. Do the freaks come out at night?

  3. Do I have kids or write anything children-worthy?

  4. Wait, I am a writer, right? I don’t think I am.

  5. When I get angry, should you run and hide?

  6. I only write and speak in English, right? I learned Spanish too late in life. It didn’t stick.

  7. Do I curse?

  8. Am I a very detailed and meticulous person who is very specific and into perfection?

Needing and Neglecting

Females, isn’t it true that we all know someone who we exist to when their significant other is neglecting them? Suddenly they find themselves needing us when things go south, they hit a rough patch, or have separation anxiety from their man?

As a reliable friend, we take our time to be there for them. Then, poof, they vanish. No contact. Why is that? Oh, that’s right. They just made their man the center of the world again, and we no longer exist. Don’t worry though, they will resurface when they get all butt hurt over an argument they have in their unhealthy relationship.

Sure enough, that damn vicious cycle repeats and woo-la, there we are again, the focal point and feeding ground of their desperate need for attention. They cannot be alone. They do not know how to be alone. They will seek solace in someone, anyone.

Expecting us to feel pity and sorrow for them and coddle them in their chaotic and crazy cycle. They are masochists, and they date sadists. We can tell them over and over again that they continue to make poor decisions. They agree with us, but keep up their bad behaviors, poor efforts for attention, and ditch us on a dime when their love resurfaces.

If you find yourself needing me when you are lonely and can’t stand on your own two feet, I will be there. Yet, when you begin this repeated cycle of neglecting me because you would rather waste all of your energy on a man who clearly doesn’t care, I have to step away.

I am the lone wolf. I do not need anyone, yet I have a problem neglecting someone because you never know what they need. When I see a vicious cycle and repeated patterns of behavior, I have to bounce. Learn to love yourself and embrace your flaws and craziness. I can’t teach you how to, that is a journey you must take on your own.

NewFound Friendships

I am closer to some people now despite knowing them since grade school. I find it nice that they know I do not judge because they read the book.

Yesterday, I was on the phone with one and was blabbing about nonsense. Turns out, that was a good thing. A tree fell into a power line and caught fire. She thinks our phone call saved her and her family’s life.

Today, I talked to another friend who needed a favor and asked me to contact someone. What did I have to lose? Well, it turns out I haven’t heard back from her in hours and am worried. I know how it feels to think you lost everything and to make a mistake as to who you choose to have in your life. I didn’t give advice. I couldn’t. I kept saying I am sorry. I know how it feels, but no words heal the pain you feel during the grieving process.

True friends will always be there and check in on you. With true friends, it is as if two puzzle pieces click together. Generation X, do you remember those split heart necklaces where one said Best and the other, Friend? They need to reissue them. In real metals though, not the pewter we wore as children.

I was also deemed as being unkind today. In fact, I am one of the kindest people I know. When I see someone taking advantage of one of my true friends, I can’t remain quiet and stand back. I speak up. If you do not like what I have to say, stop using my friend for the wrong reasons. When you use people, they don’t see it and you don’t see the damage you have done to them.

We are the ones who have to painfully watch them make poor decisions over and over again. We can tell them 100 times, but they love another person more than they love themselves. Then, when it falls apart, we have to pick up the pieces and help them heal.

How dare you call me unkind? You just know I see you for what you really are. I was once that person and when you have to come to terms with yourself, I hope you have the strength.