Killing the Kindness

I try to be a good person and do things for people to help them with nothing asked for in return. For maybe five months, I have allowed my neighbor to park in the driveway with no charge. Just to be nice.

I went out to shovel today and fell. My arm, knee, and left side of my face is in pain right now. I am okay, but then shoveled so my mailman can pick up packages going out today.

I look in my driveway thinking that the man would shovel some of my driveway. Oh no, he just drove over it. My driveway has been getting a lot of wear and tear from him going in and out of it. I thought the least he would do would be to shovel a portion of the driveway.

No, I will do it. Just like everything else because kindness is a foreign trait to many individuals. Society is truly sad. I am going to take Aleve and go shovel my driveway. I am feeling a little angry because this physically hurts. Maybe I will back my car up and block the driveway. My other neighbors would always help me, but they possess human decency.

Words as a Weapon

You lack common sense.”

You won’t have to kill yourself, some pervert will do it for you.”

I hope this lights a fire under your ass, so you get off of it, and get a job.'“

Nothing good comes out of the hood, catch my drift?”

I’ve wasted enough time.”

I hope you do something with your life.”

Just some snippets told to me today. I was told I was annoying over the weekend. I am not responding. Why waste my words?

I choose silence.

Painters of Pain

Let’s face it, we all have had one person destroy or damage us. That’s just me being dramatic. Let me ease up on my language and use the word hurt. If you haven’t, I feel sorry for you. It could be a friend, family member, colleague, or a stranger.

As I have had to go back and “move past my pain,” I saw that I hurt people. For one, it’s too late to make amends. Pain can add up and take its toll on a human being. Each person who hurts you paints pain on your soul’s canvas.

Sometimes, pain gets so heavy that it can trigger someone to fall. Hopefully, they stand back up, but sometimes they don’t. Every stroke from every paintbrush gets embedded into their memory.

I was always too wrapped up in my own darkness to see I hurt people. I cried in the summer for nights when I saw it was a motorcycle accident. Last night, I remembered everything so vividly that I went looking for pictures. It was not an accident.

I know I shouldn’t feel guilty because it was almost 16 years ago, but I know I hurt him and I just saw that this year. I was a painter on his canvas. I know I was not the reason. I just wish I was a better person back then.

I am again engulfed in grief and guilt. Maybe I am over-reacting, but I can’t help but think I was a facet of the weighted pain he carried.

Missed Memories

Sometimes, it is not a good idea to stroll down memory lane. I am having a difficult night. I just further looked into a character in my book (not the main one), and I am having a difficult time.

The dark souls were always drawn to me, and I had no idea they were struggling. I was suffering myself in my own darkness.

Things make sense though.

I miss my LiveJournal where we could list our music. RIP. Soon, some content will be released that was inspired by you and those angelic eyes.

Listening to O.A.R. “The Stranger”

Put it in the Past

I deleted 300 pictures from my phone and am going to continue deleting because I am not sure why I held onto so many pictures. The past is the past and I have no place for it. I have the journals that will be made into books so there is no need for pictures. Pictures are nice to have to go down memory lane, but I will get those printed and place them in a box.

I honestly do not want to reflect upon many of these places, peoples, or situations. I am keeping pictures of my dogs and great trips I had. I am going to be managing my time better as I cut social media usage since it draws me less than 1% of traffic.

All of the platforms, work, and time are not yielding results. For some, social media works. For me, I only see success on LinkedIn and that is after deleting and blocking many of my previous connections.

I have plenty to do and am grateful for all I have and all I lost because through it all, I connected with myself. I can finally be who I am. I got everything out I needed to get out. Do I live a perfect life? My goodness, no! I am better than I was, but now truly know who I am and what and who I want in my life.

Art of Accomplishments

One book of poetry went to print yesterday. One is halfway done and I should get it to print tomorrow.

I have decided if I am going to get rejected, I want to be rejected by companies I have narrowed down. The list is not long, but I can say I am ready and can learn anything. My personality reports came up as investigative and creative. That is probably why I love analytics.

Social media drives less than 1% of traffic for me. Why am I using all of the platforms then? I have learned so much over the past year. Truth is the one true thing that terrifies so many.

Trying Three

Simultaneously working on three books of poetry. Thousands of poems. Trying to categorize them the best I can. I love the titles. It will take me longer to design all the covers and to be certain I do not double any up.

I am digitally deleting and using a highlighter for the written words. Operation Melissa is in full swing.

Banging out another Book

Why not?

These books of poetry take me no time.

Editing is going on for Melancholic to Ruined.

I am now writing Melancholic to Hyperbolic.

I am producing as much published content as I possibly can. The amazing thing is I am deleting my pseudonyms digital traces. I also have been getting rid of so many pictures sending them into oblivion.

Distrust Doesn't Die

Do I have trust issues? Absolutely.

I sometimes let my guard down after being courted and enchanted by some companies, and even some individuals.

I believed I had found some companies that actually cared about their customers and possessed a corporate social responsibility.

What do you do then or what actions do I take in that case? Well, I become a loyal customer, speak highly of them, and do not let anyone’s opinion influence my own. I become a champion for their company and will shamelessly promote them with nothing on my agenda.

What happens with the trust is shattered and something beyond human comprehension is done to you? You lose faith in the company and in humanity. Cyber safety matters, but not personal safety. I was lied to. I question the ethics of the company now. I question their employees’ integrity. I question if management even cares that one meaningless woman has been pawned as if I was a chess piece. I feel as a piece of me has broken because they exposed me for their personal gain. My first amendment rights were taken away and I was virtually violated, yet again.

What do you do next? I will let you know when I discover the answer. I have been physically sick and hysterical that jeopardizing me gains what? I have nothing. My goals have no been set back as I was lied to and manipulated. I am now frozen. I am speechless. I am so disheartened and disenchanted.

How Did This Happen? I would love to know myself. I research and investigate every scenario before I make a strategic decision. I guess I actually place trust in the last place I should have. I am numb.

Dogs with Disabilities

To put a cherry on the top of my epic disaster known as last night, I went to bed around 9:00 pm. My dog is disabled. Born in Hurricane Irene, she was unexpected and the only puppy. She has horrible anxiety and seizures. She is on medication and I have to pin her up against me to feel anything alarming when she sleeps at night.

At 2:30 am, she had a mild seizure despite not having one since April when she was placed in the ICU overnight. She is 8 years and 3 months old. When she survived near death in April, I saw her strength and, call it strange, she inspires me to fight. She is a warrior.

Her behaviors have changed since then. She is more dominant, loyal, loving, funny, and a space cadet from her medication. Everything is fine, but I jolted awake in a panic. The same panic I felt in April when she was near death.

I am all about losing everything, being rejected, screwed over, ignored….you name it. My dog is NOT an option for me to lose.

Awake with Anger

I woke up at 2:30 am still incensed over how some people do business. Do not tell me that you are going to speak to me on a particular day and ignore me twice.

I do not know WTF you were thinking or doing, but now you set me a week back from my goals. Your strategy had zero relevance to me. Did you listen to a single word I said? One lesson to learn, do not make a writer angry, especially a crazy one.

Livid from Lies

My favorite singer has a tattoo that says, “trust no one” on her hand. Why is INTEGRITY the hardest thing to come by?

I now know why the word gut-wrenching exists.

I am in NO MOOD and am not taking any interactions.

Questions:

  1. Is New York City a city in the United States?

  2. Do the freaks come out at night?

  3. Do I have kids or write anything children-worthy?

  4. Wait, I am a writer, right? I don’t think I am.

  5. When I get angry, should you run and hide?

  6. I only write and speak in English, right? I learned Spanish too late in life. It didn’t stick.

  7. Do I curse?

  8. Am I a very detailed and meticulous person who is very specific and into perfection?

Giving, not Getting

Having an antiquated education made me ineligible for positions, as did my anxiety and depression. I had worked 22 years straight and paid a huge chunk of taxes.

In 2018, I suffered several life changing events that would impact one’s mental health. I applied for benefits because after 800 job events logged (globally), I could not find a position. I was rejected, a theme in my life, which I have come to love, due to being educated.

What?

I now see my 1st Amendment rights being scaled back and am always up for a challenge. Every setback and struggle are ingredients in success. I embrace every one of them and become more driven and determined.

Success is a strategy and it is your own responsibility. When people are not sorry to see you struggle, stay grateful because they only make you stronger.

VPN Validation

VPNs Gone Wild” during the new moon brings me back to a humid July week of 2018. I was embedded in an emotional battle of my past as I was writing a book. On July 7th, my hacker who was hanging around since March shut me down in some virtual capacities.

I then ventured on a quick journey to get their identity in some unorthodox ways. I had an opportunity to barter. Their identity was not as important to me as me.

That was four months ago today. A new moon has recently harvested another batch of VPNs visiting. A lot can be learned in four months. I am smarter now than I was back then.